Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
