Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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