Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
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Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
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I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
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