you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
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