Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
