I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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