i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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