i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
