I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
