last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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