Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
i wish my penis had a tongue
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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