I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
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