i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
