I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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