omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
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Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
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I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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