All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
