Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize