u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
