There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
