so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
