I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
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