it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
