when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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