She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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