he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
