If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
