I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
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