Banned from zoo.
Again?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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