Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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