I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
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