I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
