she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Randomize
