She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
