STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
