After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
