I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
