when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
