Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
