i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
