you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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