oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
