chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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