Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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