i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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