he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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