you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
