you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
