His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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