i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Randomize