I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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