Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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