my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
