His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I think I just sharted jello shots
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