My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Randomize
