Having a random hookup so left but love u
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
