In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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