If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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