I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
